I’ve been grappling with the thought, the idea of failure. What does failure look like? How does it feel? Is it taking a step back, to the side, around the corner?
To identify failure one must decide what success looks like to you. How does it feel? Is it shiny & sparkly, freshly washed & scrubbed, laid out into the light of a lemony yellow sun? Is it placid like a deep lake in the depths of summer, with flies buzzing over the shimmering blue-green waters? In real terms, is it marriage & kids in the ‘burbs, or a corner office & pencil skirt suits or some defy juggling of the two? Or perhaps it’s a Bohemian existence travelling the world eking out a meagre living while soaking up the riches of the world one glass of wine or bottle of beer at a time? What if your desire for babies clashes with the Bohemian vision? Do you really want to mini 1&2 all over the world with no structure in their lives?
Let’s pause for moment & consider that the potential minis are not even a twinkle in your eyes. And the prospective Daddy for these offspring, he is not here. At least not yet. You hope. Take all those options add reaching for the brass ring of additional & advanced degrees to the mix tumble them around your head like a load of clothes in the wash. Does any of them make your heart sing, your eyes light, your toes tap? Which one resonates? What if none of them do? How do you then identify what success is to you?
I know this post is riddled with questions. It is so because I’m riddled with them. Day in and out, so much that mind cannot rest. I’ve a lump in my throat that refuses to melt even with hot tea. Tears are just below the surface ready to erupt in frustration, anger, sadness, angst this feeling of not knowing.
I feel the anxiety building & the breathing exercises I learnt years ago are the only thing keeping me from loosing it. Friends say pray, but my prayers all end up being a litany of questions & queries. I wonder is God tired of me yet? I come back to the question what is failure? Am I a failure? I at times feel like I am but I cannot identify what success looks like for me so how can I say I have failed?
Then I think about all the little girls around the world and I sink deeper as I feel I squander the opportunities, the blessings the only dream about their day is consumed with fetching water or working a field under a blazing white sun or slaving in a sweat shop with chained doors.
I bemoan my inability to discover a path, to find a direction for my aimless wandering. To create a vision of success & walk, may race along the path towards that bright, shiny, soul satisfying venture.
Have you asked these questions (please tell me I’m not alone)? How do you silence the voices to get to what makes you smile & jump out of bed each day ready to face the world?