I’ve been a slacker. I travel around Barcelona by foot or Metro, and write these fabulous posts in my head and then by the time I get home they are lost like a breath on the wind. What follows is verbal self flagellation for neglecting my blog and outlandish promises to do better along with ill conceived schedules that are never adhered to. Thus, the cycle continues day after day, week after week with no new blog posts. So there I was enjoying one of my favorite time wasters, that 140 character behemoth that can steal an hour out of your day easily; when I came across a tweet for National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo) hosted by BlogHer. I decided that this was just the kick in the pants I needed to get on a regular posting schedule. After a month of posting everyday I should be able to conjure up posts 3 or 4 times a week consistently. At least that is my hope and prayer.
Speaking of prayers, I’ve had one running through my heart for the past month. Now, lets be clear when I say prayer I don’t necessarily mean getting down on my knees every morning or night for scheduled time with God. As we can clearly see from my lack of ability to stick to a schedule that even scheduling things just don’t seem to work out too well. I know, I know I should spend time in the word and talking to God daily but I don’t. I’ve tried to in the past and sometimes have been successful in keeping at it for a month or more but honestly as soon as something feels like a chore I find ten thousand (
okay, a little exaggeration here) reasons why I can’t do it or why I should postpone it to later. While, prayer shouldn’t be a task, when I schedule it, it does take on the patina of a hated chore and gets chucked in the corner like the detested item it resembles. To overcome this malady, I’ve started thinking of prayers as heart cries. Sometimes, we don’t know what we want. Well, I don’t know, I’m sure there are those of you out there who are perfect and are always figure out what you want early and point yourself in the right direction and stick to the plan, I’m not so precocious. We’ll wait while you leave and find your the other precociously perfect people out there.
Are they gone yet? Move on Polly Perfect, nothing to see here.
Now that it’s just us regular, late blooming, confused folks remaining we can proceed. So back to prayer. One of my favorite things to pray is “Lord give me the desires of my heart, but also show me what my heart’s desire is.” I’m in Barcelona because the Lord, give me the desire of my heart (to live in the beautiful city) and not what I thought I should have been doing (going to graduate school). He knows us so well, since I started researching areas of study for graduate school, I’ve changed my mind no less that 3 times, and if you factor in different specializations within a field it is much more than that. God knew I had no idea what I wanted to study and instead gave me Barcelona. The pace of this coastal Spanish city is slower allowing me to slow down and chill out and get off the achievement treadmill. Allowing me the time to figure out what really resonates with me and where I find fulfillment, enjoyment and perhaps help a few people along the way. So even though I don’t have this regular routine, set in my diary/planner I talk to him. Walking to the Metro I thank him for the gorgeous day with clear blues skies and the eyes to appreciate that specific shade of blue. Standing in the crowded car on my way to an 0800 class I thank him for legs to stand (health) and a class to teach (income). These are just some of the ways in which I pray. Sure it’s not traditional or what is generally taught in Sunday School or the equivalent but what matters is I am communing with the Lord. I was never good at the traditional stuff, at least in action. My values are traditional but my life is anything but. I’m wore combat boots for 8 years, I’m tatted and pierced and have itchy feet to travel and explore this great big beautiful world we are blessed to live on. I believe in the Bible as the holy, inspired word of God but am an avid consumer of YouTube videos on how the earth was formed and anthropogenic climate change. Apparently these things are separate but no one give me that memo. Yes, I am a mass of contradiction which sometimes leaves me so immobile with anxiousness. All of these contrary inputs leads to lots of what ifs but, nevertheless I press on (you can finish that with “towards the mark of a high calling”.)
One constant I keep in my life is to ask myself what is the lesson that I take away from this experience. Now, I’ll be honest sometimes I don’t ask the question because I am not ready for the answer and this is usually because I’ve made some choice contrary to my values and the still inner voice of God. So of course I don’t want to know the lesson (yes, very ostrich like I know) but eventually I pull my head out of the sand and face facts.
I found this prayer, (where else but Twitter) today and it encapsulates my thoughts and prayers exactly.
Let me find the lessons you have hidden in every leaf and rock. ~ Native American Prayer
I realize I am a little bit all over with this post, but that is what happens when I am a slacker. All the thoughts come tumbling out like kids released onto the recess playground. A jumble of arms and legs like some multi-limbed creature from the deep. Must do better to post more often so there is coherency and cohesiveness to the individual posts. This challenge of posting
- EVERY DAY
in November will be a test of my ability to doing so.
In terms of prayer, do you find it difficult to pray everyday? What are some ways in which you pray that may not fit the traditional mold? What about finding your path, was it easy to find or were you a late bloomer like me? Share in the comments please.