My turn yet?

As those around me are coupled up, de-coupled, re-coupled, engaged, married, divorced and remarried, I wonder, is it my turn yet?

I sometimes feel as if I’m forever on the sidelines of the of life changing heart bursts and heart breaks. My friends and associates seem to easily make these love connections yet I remain singularly single.

There are many reasons for this.

Firstly, I had to learn to pick better men, not just better men but better men for me. I bought into the fallacy that I should give a good man a try but that doesn’t always work if 1). there is no chemistry and 2) beyond the surface similarities you don’t have shared goals or aspirations.

Secondly, and this is something I still struggle with, learning to let go. Sometimes it’s easy to let go of the man but not of the dream that relationship represented. The fairy tale built up in your head of happily ever after. My last relationship was particularly difficult because the man talked about babies to me. Yes, babies before I even said I wanted babies! How did he know? In addition to accepting me in all my craziness he talked about us making beautiful babies together. After that I was gone, he had be hook, line and sinker. So when he realized it was all too much for him that I “didn’t need him” and turned and ran, I was still caught up in the fantasy of us. Of me and him and our beautiful babies, of a little girl with curls & determination like me and green eyes like him and a little boy with his smile & smarts and my sense of adventure . Even now some years down the road, the death of that dream make me sad just a teensy weensy bit.

Thirdly, sitting at home isn’t going to work if I hope to meet my mate. I should be out there meeting people and internet dating. But I need to give myself a break. I am in transition, left my old occupation (OORAH), moved across country and am planning to move out of the country for graduate school. My life is in flux and as a result, I feel off kilter and not able to bring much to the table. Yes, I know that is crazy talk right there, but changing the old way of thinking (bringing the same assets to the table as a man) will take some time. In the meantime dating is just not something I am comfortable doing.

So for now I will focus on the most important goal, getting into graduate school. Attend to one big thing at a time. And when the I’m so lonesome blues hit, …

… as they will, especially, when I hear about another person I know being “booed-up”, I will remember that there is a time for everything and season for every activity (Eccl. 3). In due time my Boaz will come and we will travel the world serving humanity and enjoying God’s creation.

What are your strategies for dealing with the lonesome “why isn’t it my turn yet? blues?
Lady LittleFoot

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ~ Eccl 3:1

6 thoughts on “My turn yet?

  1. So happy I ran across this…in the words of the great late Donny Hathaway “giving up.. is hard to do.. when you really love someone..” I so feel you on the letting go of the dream…I had us with kids, living in his home town…improving the lives of the children in his community with my phd in psychology and his in mathematics…I dreamed of crazy kids, with his adventurous spirit, but my “worse case scenario” common sense, with my smile and his heart inside them. Girl, its been over a decade that dream died, but when its late at night its hard not to go back to that vision in my head. Praying and hoping your journey towards letting go is fruitful and you find your mate soon, so you can enjoy life together. Until them, continue living an apologetically fulfilling life!

    • Thanks Lil Brown Hime for the encouraging words. It’s gratifying to know that I am not weird or crazy for holding onto that dream.

      Just writing the post has helped me acknowledge that that specific dream is gone and I need to let it go to make room for another one.

      Here’s to dreaming the impossible and watching it come to pass.

      Littlefoot

  2. Beautifully written piece. Just a word of advice. Life happens as you are living it. Sure, you are working on your Grad Degree and preparing to make a major move a transition. That is life. You will transition several times before you close your eyes for good.

    Your life is in progress and in the process of living your life you run into interesting people that you would just love to have a beer with. Have that beer and those getting to know you conversations. Go to places where these interesting people invite you…you need the break from work and study.

    Lovers and husbands start out as interesting people who became a friend who then became……….

    Just go out for the beer when invited even though your “transitioning”.

    • Thanks cattusbabe. I am living life through this transition and I am keeping myself open to meeting new and interesting people. The last few weeks have been a bit up and down but like you said that’s life.

  3. You know what you don’t see and what we as boo’d up ppl don’t say is how difficult it was at times to get to this moment. All the things you described in your blog happened to me, many times over in my love life. I didn’t meet the love of my life till I was 37 years old, all the rest of the time I was dating dating jokers, jerks, & users. I was married to someone who was emotionally unavailable. It was tough going there for awhile before I got here. Don’t think those in relationships just tripped up on them and also don’t think we aren’t working our butts off to keep relationships strong. I thought my time would never come especially after that disastrous marriage but it did, when love wants to find you it will. It will happen organically and naturally, God has been doing this is a long time. Let him work, b/c you were made for companionship.

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