Tag Archive | introspection

“beautiful restlessness”

Hello World! Didja miss me? I know I’ve been MIA for sometime but am going to try to get back to chronicling my journey on a consistent basis. I make no promises except to say I will try. here we go.

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Several years ago the gentleman I was cavorting with described be as having a “beautiful restlessness.” At the time I didn’t quite understand what he meant by those words and to some extent I will never really understand what he meant as we have gone our separate ways. However the phrase keeps popping in my head and more-so in the last year or so. I wonder whether to be beautifully restless is to continuously be alone. To endlessly search for a place to belong. To eternally wonder will love find me in this city?

This year will be a dozen years since I got on a plane and flew to Parris Island to become a Marine. Sometimes I think it’s the best thing I ever did and sometimes to worst. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret it. My time in the Corps helped to polish me into who I am today. It also put a few dings in my self-confidence. I struggle to write this post today as I’ve struggled since I got back from Barcelona to articulate what’s going on inside. I lacked the words because I was missing the understanding of how adrift I had become somewhere between finally finishing that degree and coming back from my second deployment. Was this the “beautiful restlessness” G-man (there is a story on this shortened nickname, perhaps I’ll tell it one day) saw and commented on? The searching for something, something to believe in, some cause to support, some passion to dive headfirst into, some love to call my own. It’s been a difficult journey to identifying that I AM searching … but for a while I did not know what I was searching for or more accurately I wasn’t willing to clear away the muck of expectations and examine what I, me, this little brown girl, from a little peninsula, in a little country near the equator really wanted from life.

I think some days I don’t dare speak it into being because many times what I have wanted was subsumed under what my circumstances would allow me to have, what I should do, what was the supposed better choice to make. I realize from a very young age what my natural instinct and curiosity led me to do was curtailed and redirected into “more appropriate” venues and expressions. That takes a toll, after a while you stop trusting your desires and curiosity, you stop yearning for things. Why bother, either they’ll be the wrong things or you won’t be good enough anyway, so just look to what is safe. I wonder is this where the “beautiful restlessness” comes into place? It’s funny (no ha ha, but more fascinating ) to me that even looking at, reading or thinking about the phrase I focus on the “restlessness” part of it rather than the descriptor of beauty. I equate restlessness as something bad or unwanted but perhaps I need to look at that again, and consider it as something that indicates a lack of stimulation. I’m not sure.

This is where I am with many things, I start thinking about it and my brain gets stuck at the opening salvo going round and round like the wheels on a bus. (yeah I know these aphorisms don’t really go together but whatevs). I think part of why I get stuck is this depression I’m dealing with. Some days are good and some are bad. On the good days I do as much as I can and on the bad days I stay in my house watching some forensic crime solving show on Netflix. It doesn’t leave much room for pondering the origin of certain attributes but now that this germ of an idea is planted I will meditate on it. Plus I’ve told y’all, so now I’ve plenty of accountability partners.

I know I’m a bit all over the place with this post, but I decided to just write it rather than wrangle my disparate thoughts into one cohesive whole. I’m not setting any goals for this, who am I kidding, I’m already thinking I need to get something up once a week if I’m returning to the blogosphere. Another thing to work on, unrealistic expectations of myself, perhaps I’ll write about that next.

How has everyone been? Can you identify with my struggles? Meet me in the comments.

Littlefoot

P.S. If you know me in off the interwebs and want to comment, don’t email or call me just leave it down below. Smooches, ‘Foot

No words

You may have noticed that, for months now I haven’t written anything. I can blame it on being busy with school and taking care of my nephew. While true, I could have taken the time to write something. I did try several times but I had not the words to describe what I was feeling and thinking. Even now writing this, I am struggling to convey what is going on in my head. I find the words to express my thoughts out of reach and when I find the words they are not right and I spend an inordinate amount of time rearranging them so they are just right.

I’ve been back from Barcelona for just over a year and in that time I’ve been going and going without stopping for self-reflection. At times when I do reflect, I actively shy away from delving deep as I am not ready or in a place to deal with further introspection.

On the way to Oslo

On the way to Oslo

Anyhoo, I decided to pop in and let you all know I’m still here, just have nothing to share, or rather an inability to articulate what is going on in my head and life at the moment. I’ll have some time this summer to hopefully focus, reflect and move forward. I don’t have my nephew (he’s back with my brother) or school (I dropped my classes) to use as an excuse. I do have my garden but it doesn’t take all day so I can’t really use that either.

Hope you all are well.

Littlefoot

Question(s) of faith.

During the fall of 2013 I was struggling with questions of faith, what I believed and why and during this time I tweeted the following questions. They were more rhetorical musings that I chose to share with Twitter partially in hopes of striking up a conversation but more so to document what I was thinking/feeling at the moment.

If I’m having questions of faith does my prayers still get answered? #Questionsoffaith

If we were created in the image of God from dust of the earth (stuff of the universe, atoms) is there only one way to him? #Questionsoffaith

If God is made in our image does that mean that there is a duality of essence? Feminine/masculine in the God head? #Questionsoffaith

Is various religious expression of God, a reflection of the cultural variety that is the world after the flood & Babel? #Questionsoffaith

Fast forward to the winter of my discontent err of early 2014 and a trip to church brought me back to these ponderings when I took my aunt to church. It was the first time in months that I’ve darkened the doors of a house of worship to participate in services. The first Sunday of the month in many Evangelical congregations celebrate the Eucharist or Communion (add reference).and all believers baptized in the faith usually partake of the bread and wine. I chose not to, which was a difficult thing to do in the presence of my aunt & uncle who are ministers. But, it was the right decision for me. I felt it would be hypocritically of me to eat & drink of the bread & wine that symbolizes Jesus’s death and resurrection in the season of questioning.

I still believe in a creator and probably will always be a theist but at this point in my life I’m questioning the tenets of my Judeo-Christian faith and our belief that there is only one way to salvation and only one way to revere the creator of the universe. I question if we are born without sin why do need salvation and a savior. I’ve been dwelling on these things for months its part of why I’ve been so silent of my blog. I’ve many questions and no answers and partly an unwillingness to interrogate the turmoil in my mind and possibly make changes. Instead, I stay busy with important things (school, taking care of my nephew) and getting lost in the not so important (social media, old TV series). I just let the questions percolate … no that’s not right. The questions are more like the convection currents in our ocean, gyres moving by themselves and connecting with each other, swirling together and then branching off into separate channels.

It’s odd sitting next to my family members who are true believers, and not just believers but ministers taking the pulpit to sing, praise, preach and teach. I feel I am letting them down by not adhering to the tenets of the faith of my childhood. I don’t want them to feel as if they had failed to “train up a child in the way she should go” cause now that I am older I have definitely departed. As you can see from the few above my questions range from the mundane to borderline metaphysical. Over the summer I did some meditation and I’ve started doing yoga to help me stay connected to by body and to be grounded here in the now and perhaps open space in my mind to delve a little more deeply into things. Or at least bring some order and discipline to the chaotic mess that is my mind.

Looking out on Oslo Fjord April 2013

Looking out on Oslo Fjord April 2013

Have you had these periods of questioning? How do you deal with them? How do you get onto a faith path that brought you peace in your mind and body? Leave your reply in the comment, I’m sure I’m not the only one who is searching for answers.

Littlefoot

On choices and Sade’s “Pearls”

Thursday, 16 January was Helen Folasade Adu’s birthday. All around social media people were talking about how awesome she looks at 54 years young. I saw in concert about 3 years ago she is ageless. Here is a recent photo of the Nigerian-English songbird.

Helen Folasade Adu

As with all musicians, the conversation invariably turned to favorite songs from Sade. Her career spans decades with many songs that still sound fresh today. But my favorite remains “Pearls.” It’s hauntingly beautiful and the lyrics are hearth wrenching.

Take a look & listen and let me know what your think of this gym.

“Pearls”

There is a woman in Somalia
Scraping for pearls on the roadside
There’s a force stronger than nature
Keeps her will alive
That’s how she’s dying
She’s dying to survive
Don’t know what she’s made of
I would like to be that brave
She cries to the heaven above
There is a stone in my heart
She lives a life she didn’t choose
And it hurts like brand-new shoes

Hurts like brand-new shoes

There is a woman in Somalia
The sun gives her no mercy
The same sky we lay under
Burns her to the bone
Long as afternoon shadows
It’s gonna take her to get home
Each grain carefully wrapped up
Pearls for her little girl

Hallelujah
Hallelujah

She cries to the heaven above
There is a stone in my heart
She lives a life she didn’t choose
And it hurts like brand-new shoes

Many of us live in worlds of our own choosing, whether that me physical or mental space. This song reminds me, where ever I am physically or mentally it is of my own choosing unlike the “woman in Somalia” or many other parts of the world where women’s choices are curtailed or dictated to them by a system they neither create or uphold.

Choose wisely my friends.

Littlefoot

PS India Arie did a version of “Pearls” that I love as well.

Check it out.