Tag Archive | life journey

“beautiful restlessness”

Hello World! Didja miss me? I know I’ve been MIA for sometime but am going to try to get back to chronicling my journey on a consistent basis. I make no promises except to say I will try. here we go.

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Several years ago the gentleman I was cavorting with described be as having a “beautiful restlessness.” At the time I didn’t quite understand what he meant by those words and to some extent I will never really understand what he meant as we have gone our separate ways. However the phrase keeps popping in my head and more-so in the last year or so. I wonder whether to be beautifully restless is to continuously be alone. To endlessly search for a place to belong. To eternally wonder will love find me in this city?

This year will be a dozen years since I got on a plane and flew to Parris Island to become a Marine. Sometimes I think it’s the best thing I ever did and sometimes to worst. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret it. My time in the Corps helped to polish me into who I am today. It also put a few dings in my self-confidence. I struggle to write this post today as I’ve struggled since I got back from Barcelona to articulate what’s going on inside. I lacked the words because I was missing the understanding of how adrift I had become somewhere between finally finishing that degree and coming back from my second deployment. Was this the “beautiful restlessness” G-man (there is a story on this shortened nickname, perhaps I’ll tell it one day) saw and commented on? The searching for something, something to believe in, some cause to support, some passion to dive headfirst into, some love to call my own. It’s been a difficult journey to identifying that I AM searching … but for a while I did not know what I was searching for or more accurately I wasn’t willing to clear away the muck of expectations and examine what I, me, this little brown girl, from a little peninsula, in a little country near the equator really wanted from life.

I think some days I don’t dare speak it into being because many times what I have wanted was subsumed under what my circumstances would allow me to have, what I should do, what was the supposed better choice to make. I realize from a very young age what my natural instinct and curiosity led me to do was curtailed and redirected into “more appropriate” venues and expressions. That takes a toll, after a while you stop trusting your desires and curiosity, you stop yearning for things. Why bother, either they’ll be the wrong things or you won’t be good enough anyway, so just look to what is safe. I wonder is this where the “beautiful restlessness” comes into place? It’s funny (no ha ha, but more fascinating ) to me that even looking at, reading or thinking about the phrase I focus on the “restlessness” part of it rather than the descriptor of beauty. I equate restlessness as something bad or unwanted but perhaps I need to look at that again, and consider it as something that indicates a lack of stimulation. I’m not sure.

This is where I am with many things, I start thinking about it and my brain gets stuck at the opening salvo going round and round like the wheels on a bus. (yeah I know these aphorisms don’t really go together but whatevs). I think part of why I get stuck is this depression I’m dealing with. Some days are good and some are bad. On the good days I do as much as I can and on the bad days I stay in my house watching some forensic crime solving show on Netflix. It doesn’t leave much room for pondering the origin of certain attributes but now that this germ of an idea is planted I will meditate on it. Plus I’ve told y’all, so now I’ve plenty of accountability partners.

I know I’m a bit all over the place with this post, but I decided to just write it rather than wrangle my disparate thoughts into one cohesive whole. I’m not setting any goals for this, who am I kidding, I’m already thinking I need to get something up once a week if I’m returning to the blogosphere. Another thing to work on, unrealistic expectations of myself, perhaps I’ll write about that next.

How has everyone been? Can you identify with my struggles? Meet me in the comments.

Littlefoot

P.S. If you know me in off the interwebs and want to comment, don’t email or call me just leave it down below. Smooches, ‘Foot

No words

You may have noticed that, for months now I haven’t written anything. I can blame it on being busy with school and taking care of my nephew. While true, I could have taken the time to write something. I did try several times but I had not the words to describe what I was feeling and thinking. Even now writing this, I am struggling to convey what is going on in my head. I find the words to express my thoughts out of reach and when I find the words they are not right and I spend an inordinate amount of time rearranging them so they are just right.

I’ve been back from Barcelona for just over a year and in that time I’ve been going and going without stopping for self-reflection. At times when I do reflect, I actively shy away from delving deep as I am not ready or in a place to deal with further introspection.

On the way to Oslo

On the way to Oslo

Anyhoo, I decided to pop in and let you all know I’m still here, just have nothing to share, or rather an inability to articulate what is going on in my head and life at the moment. I’ll have some time this summer to hopefully focus, reflect and move forward. I don’t have my nephew (he’s back with my brother) or school (I dropped my classes) to use as an excuse. I do have my garden but it doesn’t take all day so I can’t really use that either.

Hope you all are well.

Littlefoot

Breathe In, Breathe Out

Buenos Dias mi amigos. I know I’ve been missing in action for the last few weeks. I left Barcelona for Brooklyn at the end of May. As much as it has been great reconnecting with family and friends I am floundering under the weight of sadness at having to leave a place that enveloped me and seemed so much like the city of my heart. I remind myself daily that the decision to leave wasn’t an easy one and it was part of my life’s journey. I lived in Europe for 9 months, a dream I have had for nearly 20 years. Many people do not get the opportunity to realize and live dreams held close to their heart and I did. I often do not realize how big of an accomplishment that is. To leave not only a city but a country, to cross an ocean to a new place is a huge deal. Part of it is that I left my little village, my country, my continent and crossed a sea into a whole new world at the age of 11 so doing it at 34 was not a big deal to me. Especially after living in 6 different cities, 4 states and 2 countries in the last 10 years. Change of location is just par for the course for me. The biggest challenge about moving to Barcelona was moving without a support system (say what you will about the US Military it has one of the best support systems for it workers/members).

With so much change and moving in the last decade, including packing up my car and traversing the continental US twice in 4 years, flying to Barcelona, while not without hiccups was just a natural progression in my peregrinations. Packing to return to US was not as joyous as event and 3 weeks back I am still mourning. In addition I’ve taken on the task of job hunting, preparing to return to school at the end of August as well as to take the Foreign Service Officer Test (FSOT) in October so I really need to find a way to breathe through all of this as my mind is awhirl with too many decisions to make. As I’ve written before decision-making at turns paralyzes and petrifies me as a choice made FOR one thing is AGAINST another so that starts up the “what ifs?”

What if I change my mind? I’ve done it before (with culinary school).

What if I make a decision and later it turns out not to be the right path for me (military).

W+hat if I make a choice and it’s the wrong one?

So many what ifs … how do you know which way to go?

You don’t. You just make the best choice at the time and when your direction changes evaluate where you are, what you have learned and what the next challenge will be to undertake.

Culinary school wasn’t a complete bust, I honed my cooking skills and learned to take chances in my cooking but also sometimes that the thing you love so much isn’t meant to be a profession.

The Marines honed my bossiness into leadership and showed me I can do the scary things (rappel tower, jumping into deep water) and still survive and I am stronger that I look physically or mentally.

My time in Barcelona taught me about myself. About how comfortable I am being alone and how much I am uncomfortable putting myself out there (aka making new friends and asking for help) but it is necessary and I’ve to do it more.

Going back to school is scary but it shouldn’t be. I have been in and out of some type of schooling since I joined the Marines. Leadership training for Non Commissioned officers, job related trainings, classes on
mentorship, finance, recognizing and responding to suicide ideations, all types of safety briefs, classes before any military specific exercise, culinary school for a year as well as some online and distance courses. Learning has been occurring so I should not let the return to a formal education setting intimidate me. I’ve the tools at my disposal to prepare for the FSOT so I should not let stories of how challenging it is dissuade or scare me. As for the job hunt as one of my dear friends said “just apply!” and while I am doing that I will continue to listen to the still small voice in my gut that is continually telling me which way to go and advising me what decisions are the best for me at this time and place in Littlefoot’s Journey.

The W Hotel at Playa de Barcelonetta, Barcelona

The W Hotel at Playa de Barcelonetta, Barcelona

The title of this post was inspired by a song. Bush’s “Machinehead.” It’s one of my favorite songs. The lyrics don’t all make sense to me all the time but the song starts with an awesome guitar riff which I will learn one day and the words “Breath In, Breath Out” which the song starts with is great for centering when running or to calm a frantic and frenzied mind. When I am stressed and paralysed by the need to make a decision I just breath in and breath out and keep doing that until my gut is settled and I am calm. As I’ve been writing this post the song has been on repeat it’s a great running song and yet soothing to my spirit.

“Machinehead”

breathe in breathe out
tied to a wheel fingers got to feel,
bleeding through a tar-decay smile
I spin on a whim I slide to the right
I felt you like electric light
for our love
for our fear
for our rise against the years and years

got a machinehead better than the rest
green to red machinehead
and I walk from my machine
I walk from my machine

deaf dumb and thirty
starting to deserve this
leaning on my conscience wall
blood is like wine
unconscious all the time
if I had it all again
I’d change it all

What’s keeping you from blogging/journaling or otherwise writing? How do you get your writing mojo back? Exercise? Music? Incense? Tea? Sharing is caring let us know in the comments (not email you lurkers) so we all can benefit.

Lady Littlefoot

Picture Day 06: Pre-Deployment Gathering

January 2007
Structurally this may not be the best photo but it captures me in the center surrounded by family and friends before my very first deployment.

PreDeployJan07

PreDeployJan07

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Do you have not so great photographs that still make you smile because of the occasion at which they were taken?
Lady Littlefoot