Tag Archive | self assessment

“beautiful restlessness”

Hello World! Didja miss me? I know I’ve been MIA for sometime but am going to try to get back to chronicling my journey on a consistent basis. I make no promises except to say I will try. here we go.

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Several years ago the gentleman I was cavorting with described be as having a “beautiful restlessness.” At the time I didn’t quite understand what he meant by those words and to some extent I will never really understand what he meant as we have gone our separate ways. However the phrase keeps popping in my head and more-so in the last year or so. I wonder whether to be beautifully restless is to continuously be alone. To endlessly search for a place to belong. To eternally wonder will love find me in this city?

This year will be a dozen years since I got on a plane and flew to Parris Island to become a Marine. Sometimes I think it’s the best thing I ever did and sometimes to worst. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret it. My time in the Corps helped to polish me into who I am today. It also put a few dings in my self-confidence. I struggle to write this post today as I’ve struggled since I got back from Barcelona to articulate what’s going on inside. I lacked the words because I was missing the understanding of how adrift I had become somewhere between finally finishing that degree and coming back from my second deployment. Was this the “beautiful restlessness” G-man (there is a story on this shortened nickname, perhaps I’ll tell it one day) saw and commented on? The searching for something, something to believe in, some cause to support, some passion to dive headfirst into, some love to call my own. It’s been a difficult journey to identifying that I AM searching … but for a while I did not know what I was searching for or more accurately I wasn’t willing to clear away the muck of expectations and examine what I, me, this little brown girl, from a little peninsula, in a little country near the equator really wanted from life.

I think some days I don’t dare speak it into being because many times what I have wanted was subsumed under what my circumstances would allow me to have, what I should do, what was the supposed better choice to make. I realize from a very young age what my natural instinct and curiosity led me to do was curtailed and redirected into “more appropriate” venues and expressions. That takes a toll, after a while you stop trusting your desires and curiosity, you stop yearning for things. Why bother, either they’ll be the wrong things or you won’t be good enough anyway, so just look to what is safe. I wonder is this where the “beautiful restlessness” comes into place? It’s funny (no ha ha, but more fascinating ) to me that even looking at, reading or thinking about the phrase I focus on the “restlessness” part of it rather than the descriptor of beauty. I equate restlessness as something bad or unwanted but perhaps I need to look at that again, and consider it as something that indicates a lack of stimulation. I’m not sure.

This is where I am with many things, I start thinking about it and my brain gets stuck at the opening salvo going round and round like the wheels on a bus. (yeah I know these aphorisms don’t really go together but whatevs). I think part of why I get stuck is this depression I’m dealing with. Some days are good and some are bad. On the good days I do as much as I can and on the bad days I stay in my house watching some forensic crime solving show on Netflix. It doesn’t leave much room for pondering the origin of certain attributes but now that this germ of an idea is planted I will meditate on it. Plus I’ve told y’all, so now I’ve plenty of accountability partners.

I know I’m a bit all over the place with this post, but I decided to just write it rather than wrangle my disparate thoughts into one cohesive whole. I’m not setting any goals for this, who am I kidding, I’m already thinking I need to get something up once a week if I’m returning to the blogosphere. Another thing to work on, unrealistic expectations of myself, perhaps I’ll write about that next.

How has everyone been? Can you identify with my struggles? Meet me in the comments.

Littlefoot

P.S. If you know me in off the interwebs and want to comment, don’t email or call me just leave it down below. Smooches, ‘Foot

Fear of Failure

I’ve been grappling with the thought, the idea of failure. What does failure look like? How does it feel? Is it taking a step back, to the side, around the corner?

To identify failure one must decide what success looks like to you. How does it feel? Is it shiny & sparkly, freshly washed & scrubbed, laid out into the light of a lemony yellow sun? Is it placid like a deep lake in the depths of summer, with flies buzzing over the shimmering blue-green waters? In real terms, is it marriage & kids in the ‘burbs, or a corner office & pencil skirt suits or some defy juggling of the two? Or perhaps it’s a Bohemian existence travelling the world eking out a meagre living while soaking up the riches of the world one glass of wine or bottle of beer at a time? What if your desire for babies clashes with the Bohemian vision? Do you really want to mini 1&2 all over the world with no structure in their lives?

Let’s pause for moment & consider that the potential minis are not even a twinkle in your eyes. And the prospective Daddy for these offspring, he is not here. At least not yet. You hope. Take all those options add reaching for the brass ring of additional & advanced degrees to the mix tumble them around your head like a load of clothes in the wash. Does any of them make your heart sing, your eyes light, your toes tap? Which one resonates? What if none of them do? How do you then identify what success is to you?

Would would you attempt?

I know this post is riddled with questions. It is so because I’m riddled with them. Day in and out, so much that mind cannot rest. I’ve a lump in my throat that refuses to melt even with hot tea. Tears are just below the surface ready to erupt in frustration, anger, sadness, angst this feeling of not knowing.

I feel the anxiety building & the breathing exercises I learnt years ago are the only thing keeping me from loosing it. Friends say pray, but my prayers all end up being a litany of questions & queries. I wonder is God tired of me yet? I come back to the question what is failure? Am I a failure? I at times feel like I am but I cannot identify what success looks like for me so how can I say I have failed?

Then I think about all the little girls around the world and I sink deeper as I feel I squander the opportunities, the blessings the only dream about their day is consumed with fetching water or working a field under a blazing white sun or slaving in a sweat shop with chained doors.

I bemoan my inability to discover a path, to find a direction for my aimless wandering. To create a vision of success & walk, may race along the path towards that bright, shiny, soul satisfying venture.

Have you asked these questions (please tell me I’m not alone)? How do you silence the voices to get to what makes you smile & jump out of bed each day ready to face the world?

Lady Littlefoot

31 Day Reset – Day 11: Write a Letter to Your Brain

I am trudging along in this 31 Day Reset your life challenge. I’ve made it to Day 11 with much groaning and belly aching, but what good is a challenge if you don’t have some complaining along the way? Those of you who face your challenges silently can bite my little toe, but then again, nah uh don’t do that. In your quest to maintain silence you may bite it off. I’d like to keep all my toes, even the little one with a mind of it’s own, thank you very much. But I digress from the task at hand. Yes, I am very good at diverting from the course especially one I am not enthused about. Or rather a task my Lizard Brain is not enthused about. What is this lizard brain you ask?

Well of course its not an actual lizard. The lizard brain is simply resistance. It’s the part of us, of our brains that causes us to do something other than what we declare we are going to do. Like this morning when I said I was going to get up and go for a fast walk / slow jog but instead I hit snooze and then just turned off the alarm, pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep. Yes that is Lizzy in action. What? You don’t name recalcitrant parts of your anatomy? Pfft, sure you don’t. Back to the matter at hand. Lizzy is the epicenter of fear, it’s “what stops you in your tracks and keeps you from moving forward.” The exercise today was to write your lizard brain a letter. There was a lovely template that I used but something about ti was just not ringing true. So I decided to redo as I was typing this up.

Dearest Lizzy, 


Yes, you. The one lying in the corner pretending to be asleep. I know you are awake. How? Because every time I want to do something for my own happiness and growth you manage to pop up and insinuate yourself in the mix and act like the ballast on a sailing vessel. You either slow me down or leave me dead in the water and I am not standing for it anymore. 


For instance, I started this challenge in order to move forward in my life and just as soon as I did you showed up with your procrastination costume on. Oh, the cloak was different but I knew it was you influencing me to sabotage myself by putting off my assignments for more “fun things” and finding other things to do that were “more important” than my exercises. I have your number. 


Another example was me applying for graduate school and the whole time you were in the corner pushing your negativity, asking if I was smart enough for graduate school. And what about that low GPA in undergrad, that isn’t just gonna cut it for a higher degree and on and on and so forth. STOP. You are done with all of that. 


I was put here on earth for a purpose and you are keeping me from fulfilling that potential. 


Well, until now that is. I will no longer allow you to stop my progress in living my ideal life. So the next time I see you, I will simply give you a nod and go about my business. It’s been nice knowing you, Lizzy, but now it’s time that we part ways. See that opening, make your way out and don’t let the door hit ya, where the good Lord,  …. well you don’t have the right split. 


Go on, get. 


Lady Littlefoot

31 Day Reset – Day 10: Find an Accountability Partner

I’ve been thing about the task for today for 36 hours and I got’s nada! Bupkiss, nien, not a stinking inckling of who should play this role in my life.
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Another 24 hours later and eureka! I have an accountability partner. I was turning over friends and colleagues in my head wondering who I could ask to take this journey with me? Who would be my safety checkpoint. I thought about one person and then another and disregarded them because I didn’t want to impose my life onto theirs. I didn’t want to bother them. They have their own life and trials and don’t need me to add to their plate. As all of this was going through my head and heard the voice of KC Voltron a dear friend say “come here let me hit you upside the head. Friends are here to support you.” 

I had an instinct to move before her long arms reach me. But I froze in place because she was right. That’s what friends are for, to support you and be there for you. I recall another conversation we had about reaching out when you need help. I am often guilty of not reaching out because I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. And in this exercise, the reason it took me 3 days to identify an accountability partner was this same need to not bother any one. So I called KC Voltron and explained what I needed and her immediate answer was “of course, I’ll kick your butt.” You got to love friends who immediately jump to your assistance and who are willing to make time in their full and busy life for you.  I have invited her to read the blog so far to get a better understanding of what I am doing and we have another conversation scheduled to brief her on my personal mission statement and the things I am looking to accomplish over the next few months to a year. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I am once again energized to continue on with the 31 Day Reset. I am doing a happy dance, you should join me.

Lady Littlefoot